The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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