I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
