I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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