Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
