tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
