mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
