Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
