is your mom at the bar?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
