Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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