Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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