i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
