I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
