you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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