I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
