Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
