I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
