if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
