We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
