my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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