Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
