My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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