She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
