she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
