The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
