The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
