yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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