fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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