He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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