I faked an abortion last night.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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