omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
