I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
