Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
