I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He felt like a one man threesome
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
