i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
