Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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