nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
