Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
