My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
