maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
