I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
