Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
