I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Green mimosas i think yes
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
