How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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