mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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