whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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