Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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