My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
