he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
