if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
