I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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