I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
